Frequently Asked Questions

Frequently Asked Questions

People often ask me, ¨Where are you from?¨
¨Inglaterra? England? David Beckham,
Aaah your prime minister, Mister Tony Blair...¨
Perhaps somewhat prematurely,
The political conversation usually ends there.

People often ask me, ¨Isn´t your journey really tough?¨
But the slow, sweaty, squeeze
With my fellow commuter ants
Was harder than cycling the Americas
With just two pairs of pants.

People often ask me, ¨How much does your bike cost?¨
As their bike probably cost less than my spokes,
Evasively I answer that it was a present from my folks.

People often ask me, ¨Why are you still single?¨
Well I guess at cocktail parties
I find it hard to mingle.

People often ask me, ¨Isn´t your bottom incredibley sore?¨
To which I politely reply
This is saddle number four.

People often ask me, ¨Hey gringo, why are you in such a hurry?¨
I explain that I´ve got to get back to Tooting as I really need a curry.

Relevant trip statistics

Distance ridden-Not really sure, think about 16,000 miles.
Number of punctures-48
Onion Bhajees eaten-3
Countries ridden through-Argentina, Chile, Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador, Colombia, Panama, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Honduras, Guatemala, Mexico, United States (Arizona, Utah, Nevada, California, Oregon, Washington and Alaska) and Canada. (British Columbia and Yukon).

Key personal information

Name: Tim Malloch
Occupation: Lawyer
Age: 36
Shoe size: 11 (GB)
Star sign: Virgo
Interests: supporting Newcastle United; watching Lost; eating curry
Musical influences: Dr Hook; Manic Street Preachers; Mariah Carey and of course the Littlest Hobo theme music...

...Yes, oh yes, take me back to my childhood and happier times, play the Littlest Hobo theme music

Q1:What did you do before you went on your bike trip?

I used to work in as a lawyer in an international law firm in London. Below is a poem I wrote about it in Cali, Colombia

International Law Firm

I worked in an International Law Firm
A little community in the City with a dentist and a gym.
Every day I worked on large important files
Gradually I got fat, went bald and developed piles.

With offices in Tokyo, Paris and New York
I travelled to Doncaster, Gloucester and Bedford.
But not often. Most days spent at my desk:
Emails to and phonecalls from delightful career-minded people just like me;
Dial-in telephone calls; the occasional meeting (yippee!);
Corporate biscuits that you never see in the shops;
Fruit cake sealed in plastic;
Lovely receptionists in flight attendant uniforms;
Beautiful flower arrangements balanced by
Dubiously bland works of modern art;
Client seminars and canapes.
Added value at every level.

Yet beneath all this artifice
Lay an ocean of Ideas in their purest Platonic Forms.
When you dived beneath the slick of soft skills
At times you really got the chance to think.
Schools of hypothetical positions, contingencies,
And other species of abstract thought
Competed for your attention in waters of ever shifting shades of grey.

Back on the surface you would evaluate your haul,
Can it in carefully crafted caveats,
Wrap it in a warm scarf of bullet points eager for a chat,
Then pack it off like a smelly aunt in early January,
Hoping it will never return,
Knowing it probably will.


Q2:Wow, thats pretty deep stuff, so why did you do this trip?

Well it was 9pm on a Friday night in London 2005. I found myself at the customer service desk in a supermarket in Balham filling out a form. I was making a formal written complaint. A particular brand of vegetarian nut cutlets that I really liked had been withdrawn and I wanted to know why. It was at this point I experienced what I believe is known as Kairos*. I realised that my life had to fundamentally change. The lack of nut cutlets wasn't the problem. It was something else, something deeper. Much deeper. To try and find out what it was I decided to cycle from Ushuaia in Argentina to Prudhoe Bay in Alaska. Why? There were three main reasons. First, it was a long way and I had a lot to think about, issues to work out, inner demons to tame, etc. Secondly, cycling is an activity that allows me to wear the tight clothes I really feel comfortable in. Thirdly, during my journey, in addition to growing an impressive beard and taking levels of personal hygenie to quite low levels, I tried to raise money for the charity Médecins Sans Frontières (known as Doctors Without Borders in the United States).

(*Kairos: Within existential psychology, a critical moment of decision in life, a moment of compelling personal experience when the meanings and values attached to living undergo transformation and when decisive personality changes occur.)

Q3: How much money did you raise for Medecins Sans Frontieres?

I managed to raise £8,550.38 online and I would like to say a big thank you very much to everybody who made a donation (both online and offline) and to everyone who helped me out along the way.

Q4: Had you ever done anything like this before?

A: I had done a three-month bike and bus trip from San Diego in the United States to Cancun in Mexico in 1996/1997. I have also done shorter touring/mountain bike trips in California, Costa Rica and Peru.

Q5: What kind of bike did you take on your trip?

A: I rode an Orange P7 (see photograph above). I have had this bike for some time. It is a very reliable, simple, strong mountain bike (no front or rear suspension). I wore strong hiking boots and toe clips (not spd pedals and cycling shoes). I started off both front and back panniers but my frame snapped a couple of times and so I bought a Bob Ibex trailer (with suspension) in Santiago, Chile. I would really recommend a Bob Ibex's for a long bike tour, especially if you are planning to ride on a lot of unpaved roads.

Q6: What kind of camping equipment did you take?

A: I took a tent, a small MSR stove, sleeping bag, 2 sleeping bag liners, inflable mattress (I did a lot of camping in Argentina, Chile, United States and Canada).

Q7: What part of the trip were you looking forward to the most?

A: Patagonia. I had heard so much about it and have always wanted to go there since reading Bruce Chatwin's book In Patagonia. Riding along Ruta 40 was an amazing experience.

Q8: Did you cycle through Colombia?

A: Yes. It was fantastic. Although I saw a lot of soldiers on the road nobody bothered me at all.

Q9: Did you take any luxury items?

A: I took a copy of Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes which kept me going for a couple of months. I always made sure I had a couple of good book with me. One of the most interesting books I read on the trip was "Collapse" by Jared Diamond.

Q10: Could you speak Spanish?

A: I could say some basic phrases such as "You have beautiful brown hair" and "Hey waiter, this fish is horrible.". I picked more up along the way and studied Spanish in Argentina and Bolivia.

Q11: What is your favourite joke?

My favourite joke is the "Tappy Lappy Dog joke", which goes like this:

There was this fella in Ashington* and he bred whippets. One Saturday morning he was watering his leeks in his allotments and his nephew came in through the allotment gate and said,
"Hey uncle there's a fella in Gateshead teaches dogs to talk".
The uncle scratched his head looked down at the whippet and said,
"If she could talk she would be a world beater... [pause for dramatic effect]... how much does it cost?"
"£5 a week uncle and it takes him a fortnight."
"Well here's a fiver take him away and bring him back."
The nephew went away out, sold the dog and spent the money on wine, women and song. The next Saturday he returned his uncle said,
"How's the dog ganna on lad?"
"Smashing uncle, saying little bits of poetry and stuff like that and its got an accent like the wife of the manager of the A pit**."
"Well here's the other fiver. Bring him back next week."
But the nephew returned the following week without the dog.
"Where's the dog lad?"
"Well uncle I collected the dog from this fella in Wreckington and we were walking doon the high street in Gateshead tappy lappy*** and the dog's talking sixteen to the dozen and we gets into the middle of the high level bridge and all of a sudden the dog stopped, looked up at me and said, "does your uncle still knock aroond with the widow that keeps the bullet shop**** in Newbiggin?" so I gets hod of him and chucks him in the river and droons him."
"You did reet lad its enough the bloody neighbours talking without the rotten dog."

* A part of Newcastle.

** A coal mine.

*** To walk in a dainty fashion.

**** A sweet shop.

Q12: Is it true you have a lucrative modelling contract lined up now that you have returned to England?

A: No, at the moment I am not sure that I want to fully commit myself to a catwalk career. I might do some occasional catalogue work in the future(chunky sweaters, chinos, casual knitwear etc) but nothing too heavy.

Q13: Do you really like Mariah Carey's music?

A: No.

If you have any questions about my trip or anything else that you feel I can help you with please send me an email.

Send me an email

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Push on!